An evil counterpart to Santa Claus, the Krampus, terrorises a young dysfunctional American family in Krampus. But that would be nearly impossible in Singapore – even Santa Claus has a hard time delivering presents here! What we’ve taken for granted as everyday amenities may turn out to be our best defense against the Krampus. So here’s why the Krampus would be hard-pressed to haunt any Singaporean!

1. No chimney chutes – just rubbish chutes

Don't leave it open for too long, you never know what might crawl out. Credit: savvysgprop

Don’t leave it open for too long, you never know what might crawl out. Credit: savvysgprop

There’s a reason why we keep rubbish chutes closed – because they smell. The Krampus won’t just look grimy and dirty, he’ll be smelling like trash too. His newfound stench will be a dead giveaway if he tries to sneak up on any of his victims. And if he targets the newer HDB blocks, he’ll be in for a nasty surprise – rubbish chutes don’t lead to every flat anymore; they’re in one centralised location. He’ll have been climbing down – or up – rubbish chutes for nothing!

2. Our humidity means our socks stink

David (Adam Scott) hangs up (clean) stockings at the fireplace in Krampus. Credit: Golden Village Pictures

David (Adam Scott) hangs up (clean) stockings at the fireplace in Krampus. Credit: Universal

You know why your mother makes you change your socks every day? Take a whiff after a long day, and you’ll find out why. The Krampus will be on the lookout to put nasty things into Christmas stockings, but he’ll just have to make do with our students’ pristine white school socks. If you find it gross to touch your friend’s socks, you can guarantee the Krampus will be retching after he comes across one too many dirty socks.

3. We geotag all our photos

First thing to do after being kidnapped - Instagram it! Credit: Yahoo

First thing to do after being kidnapped – Instagram it! Credit: Yahoo

So let’s say the Krampus ups his game and starts kidnapping children, like he does in folklore. Every kid has a mobile phone and Instagram nowadays. All they have to do is Instagram a picture where they’ve been taken to and geotag it (along with the hashtags #KrampusMovie #JustGotKidnapped #WhoGetsKidnappedInSingapore?! #KrampusIsSmelly), and the cops will be on the Krampus in no time. Which will be problematic, since we’ve got such a harsh stance against kidnapping in Singapore.

4. There’s nobody to kidnap

At least in other countries, the Krampus has someone to kidnap. Credit: Dirty Horror

At least in other countries, the Krampus has someone to kidnap. Credit: Dirty Horror

The lovely thing about holidays in Singapore is that everyone takes flight during the season. Just Google “long weekends” and you’ll get a list of how to optimise your leave dates to make the most of all the public holidays. It just so happens that Christmas this year falls on a Friday… so yep, families are going to be whizzing to Thailand for a break. The Krampus will be able to kidnap more Singaporeans in Bangkok than he will in Singapore!

5. We’re very sensitive to escaped animals

You'd probably find the Krampus here if he came to Singapore. Credit: Singapore Attractions

You’d probably find the Krampus here if he came to Singapore. Credit: Singapore Attractions

The Krampus looks like some sort of goat… thing. Given how much fuss we’ve had over the Coney Island Cow, there’ll be no lack of Krampus sightings. He’ll be all over social media in a flash, complete with the #KrampusIsSmelly hashtag. He’ll either get paparazzi-ed into escaping to some other country, or the Singapore Zoo will be showcasing him as their latest Night Safari attraction.

Krampus! Credit: Golden Village Pictures

Krampus! Credit: Universal

But you won’t have to wait until the Krampus gets his own space in the Singapore Zoo to catch him in action! Krampus is out, so if you’re interested to see what an evil Santa Claus does, be sure to catch it soon! Just don’t hashtag it #KrampusIsSmelly, or he might really come and haunt you.

Credits: savvysgpropYahoo, Dirty Horror, Singapore Zoo