There are a few guaranteed ways to get rich quickly (besides being the lucky ward of a Nigerian prince), and one of them is pulling off a big heist. But that’s not a feat that a single person can accomplish – you need brains, skill, brawn, and the wiles of seductress. So who should you select for your team of super criminals who will get away with millions?

Here’s our handy guide for a Singaporean criminal heist team. If you can assemble all six of them, you’ll have the perfect crew for your heist. Ocean’s Eleven? Nah, we’ll call them Longkang’s Six. Because that’s how we’re going to escape after the heist.

1. Min Liang Tan, the Brains

Brainy Min Liang Tan. Credit: Forbes

Brainy Min Liang Tan. Credit: Forbes

If there’s one person who has the resources to pull off the heist by himself, it’d be Min Liang Tan, founder of Razer. He’s got a whole army behind him (OK, a company really) and if that’s not enough, he has the programming expertise necessary to hack his way through any digital security. I mean, this is the guy who created the Razer mouse! Have you ever used a Razer mouse? It’s incredibly accurate and sensitive, yet it feels intuitive and natural. Plus I’ve had my Razer mouse for 9 years now and it’s still working as fine as the day I bought it (although there are a lot more stains on it now). If even something as overlooked as a mouse can be honed to such perfection, imagine what he could do to electronic lock picks…

2. Jade Seah, the Beauty

Lovely Jade Seah. Credit: Her World Plus

Lovely Jade Seah. Credit: Her World Plus

There are few ladies who can turn heads like Jade Seah and who appeal to both men and women alike. She’s got that slightly mischievous look which always makes you wonder what she’s really thinking, and if you’ve ever met in person, she’s just like one of the guys! We’ll need Jade to distract the guards as the rest of the team infiltrates the target. Male guards, female guards, it doesn’t matter. Jade will raise an eyebrow and catch their attention, then the rest can stealthily tiptoe in.

3. Lee Minwei, the Eyes

Eyes on Lee Minwei. Credit: The Straits Times

Eyes on Lee Minwei. Credit: The Straits Times

You might think that we’re getting him in for the same reason we have Jade Seah, but there’s something else to this anime-esque security officer. Being Corporal in the Auxiliary Police Force at Certis Cisco, it means that he knows the inner workings of the security system. You can hack all you want, but if you don’t know where to go and what to look out for, what good will getting into the system be? That’s where Lee Minwei comes in. He’ll be our eyes on the ground (and those are really beautiful eyes), and he’ll know just what to pick up, where to pick up, and when to pick it up.

4. Joseph Schooling, the Muscle

Brawny Joseph Schooling. Credit: BBC

Brawny Joseph Schooling. Credit: BBC

Most people know Joseph Schooling’s body better than their own, and you’ll notice how his biceps are almost the size of his head and that his chest is thicker than a tree trunk. So who better to have on your side in a fight than someone who could possibly take down a fully grown man in one punch? He’s an Olympic Gold Medallist, and probably one of the strongest guys in Singapore. If you’re faced with a horde of angry security guards, you can sic Joseph Schooling on them. They may have an army, but you have a Schooling.

5. David James Roach, the Veteran

David James Roach (that's one unique surname). Credit: All Singapore Stuff

David James Roach (that’s one unique surname). Credit: All Singapore Stuff

Despite all our bravado, the fact is that very few Singaporeans alive today have ever robbed a bank. Shoplifted a couple of flag erasers, probably, but not cold hard cash from a bank. So we’d need someone who’s done it before, who’s waltzed into a bank, gotten some cash, then flown off on a plane before anyone could blink. Someone like David James Roach. He’s done it before, so he’ll be totally cool about it while everyone else is being a kancheong spider, and this time, it’ll be for a lot more than $30,000. We hope.

I mean seriously, after all this effort you better be bringing back at least $3 million.

6. Shanti Pereira, the Legs

The dashing Shanti Pereira. Credit: My Active SG

The dashing Shanti Pereira. Credit: My Active SG

And finally, we need someone to lure the guards away while a helicopter swoops in to let the others make a clean getaway. You need a runner, a national sprinter, a SEA games winner who can lead the guards on a wild goose chase. You need Shanti Pereira. I mean, she’s even dressed in red, just like the Flash! Who better to let the guards chase after as the rest of you get away. When the coast is clear, Shanti can catch up with the rest of the crew, and that $3 million will be in the bag.

Better make that $30 million.

Masterminds. Credit: Golden Village Cinemas

Masterminds. Credit: Golden Village Cinemas

So what would such a team look like in action? Well, go no further than Masterminds, a heist comedy where $17 million changes hands faster than our ERP gantry rates! A motley crew assembles for a heist that goes south in every way possible – forcing our hero, David (Zach Galifianakis), to go through hell and high water to get his money back!

Will it be as entertaining as our Singaporean crew? Check out Masterminds and decide for yourself!

 

Credits: Forbes, Her World Plus, The Straits Times, BBC, All Singapore Stuff, My Active SG, Golden Village Cinemas