The lights are out and you think nobody will see you, or at least, you think they won’t notice. You ease your aching, sore feet out of your heels and place them tenderly on the velvet arm rest in front. You take out the portobello mushroom cheese sandwich (with extra tuna) you smuggled into the cinema in your roomy tote bag, and prepare to eat it.

You’re conscious that a weird pong, reminiscent of unwashed gym socks, is wafting from your being, but hey, no one is going to figure out that it’s you anyway, right? Certainly not the girl busy playing a mobile game to your right. Or the guy to your left talking to his girlfriend while chomping on his popcorn.

Wrong. So, so wrong.

If you’ve watched Sausage Party, you should know by now that your sandwich, and especially that popcorn, are sentient. That’s why the Golden Village Movie Club mascot is Mr Popcorn! As the movie screen illuminates your every move, Mr Popcorn is watching you – and other misbehaving cinema-goers – in open-mouthed horror.

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Here’s what he’s probably thinking.

1. “Can you please chomp on us with your mouth closed?”

It’s not just the noise that’s scaring the baby popcorn bits at the bottom of the cardboard box. When you eat with your mouth hanging open, you’re spraying bits of popcorn everywhere.

As Mr Popcorn would put it matter-of-factly, “You’re scattering our body parts all over and our comrades can’t find them in the dark.”

It’s popcorn utilitarianism at its best: They are under no illusions what happens to food. They live to serve our tireless jaws. For the benefit of the greater good they won’t resist, so can’t you treat them with a little respect?

2. “What’s worse – meeting a gory end in your mouth or on the carpet?”

Imagine Mr Popcorn at a bar at 1 am, or in a heated collegiate discussion in Popcorn Philosophy 1001. It’s bound to come up. “What’s a worser fate? Being masticated in someone’s stinky mouth, or spilled on the floor and then crushed to a powder by the heel of a shoe on the cinema carpet?”

If you’re a utilitarian, obviously, the best way to enter into eternity is by the human digestive system. So when you “accidentally” spill your popcorn on the floor and kick it under the seat, you’re actually denying them of a life in the Great Beyond. This leads me to point #3.

3. Ariel’s theme song from The Little Mermaid

When all the credits have ended and all the people have left the cinema without clearing their trash, Mr Popcorn starts singing from where you left him under your seat.

“Rolling in cardboard that’s where we are /
Legs and arms are for walking and climbing / Scaling heights up to what’s that thing again – bin!” (to be sung to tune of Part Of Your World, Ariel’s theme song from The Little Mermaid)

4. “What’s this strange food this other guy is eating? I’ve never seen it at the snack counter.”

Mr Popcorn is ever so sociable. He’s the life of the party at the snack counter. If he’s going to see a food he’s never seen before inside the cinema, he’s going to want to say hi and make friends. You do know that food not purchased at the cinema snack counter is forbidden inside the theatre, right? Don’t expose Mr Popcorn to stranger danger!

5. “You’re touching your phone with the same fingers you just used to touch food? You filthy, filthy animal.”

Nobody uses utensils to eat popcorn. You greedily shove it into your mouth with your fingers. And then your handphone buzzes with an incoming text and of course you want to read it, so you unlock it with your grubby fingers and maybe even text back if there’s a lull in the movie you’re watching.

You may think that it’s alright but Mr Popcorn is watching you in abject horror as the light from your smartphone screen illuminates your face.

Actually, it’s not just Mr Popcorn who sees – your fellow cinema-goers can, too, since your smartphone screen is like a shining beacon in a darkened theatre. You know that, right? They can also smell you and hear you, but them not telling you off doesn’t mean that you don’t offend their senses. They’re just too polite to do so. Or maybe they’re busy breaking a few cinema etiquette rules themselves.

Just see it for yourselves here!