It may be that Asian parents have different priorities, but instead of asking their daughters the most important question about their newfound boyfriend, which is: “Do you really love each other?”, they will almost invariably focus on what he does for a living. (Read: How rich is he?)

Unless you’re a doctor-lawyer who freelances as an investment banker, no job will ever be good enough. If you’ve got one of those quirky jobs like writing listicles about movies, you won’t even be able to step foot in your girlfriend’s house!

What’s worse? Jobs which make it impossible for you to have a girlfriend. These eight professions will really make sure that you’re #foreveralone.

1. Special Forces Captain

Song Joong Ki is THE quintessential Special Forces Captain. Credit: Yibada

Song Joong Ki is THE quintessential Special Forces Captain. Credit: Yibada

Do you have immaculately styled hair, boyish good looks, and a perfect body? Because thanks to Descendants of the Sun, everyone thinks that Special Forces Captain are muscular prettyboys, and woe betide you if you don’t live up to that impression! You’ll either be training hard to reach that pinnacle of handsomeness, or you’ll be training hard to maintain that pinnacle of perfection. After all, you don’t want to disappoint your girlfriend right? No more char kway teow suppers from now on.

Your only chance to escape is to go on a “special ops mission” and then be presumed missing in the last episode.

2. Psychic

What the future hold? Credit: Nate Smith

What the future hold? Credit: Nate Smith

Being a psychic is really all about reading another person through their mannerisms and quirks. If you’re skilled enough, you can pretend that you know many secrets about them, when it’s actually an educated guess based on their tells. But then it looks like you can read minds!

So imagine if your girlfriend knows you’re a psychic! Every time you ask her a question, she’ll reply: “Guess.” If you’re right, you’ve only dodged a bullet – if you’re wrong, she’ll say: “But aren’t you a psychic?” and pout. We men already have enough communication problems with women and reading their minds, and now you want the poor guy to literally read his girlfriend’s mind? Die, sure die.

3. Fashion Designer

Designing clothes. Credit: Britannica

Designing clothes. Credit: Britannica

This sounds quite straightforward until you realise that you’ll a) be expected to design couture outfits for her and b) provide her with free clothes. She’ll be very upset if she can’t wear the clothes you design – “Were you thinking of another woman when you designed this dress?!?”; and you’ll go broke buying her clothes if she cannot fit into the sample size.

The worst part (for the girlfriend) is that you’ll probably have more clothes than her, but you can’t even share them.

4. Dietician

Eating with a doctor. Credit: Healthcare Asia Daily

Eating with a doctor. Credit: Healthcare Asia Daily

This one is a potential minefield. Eight hours a day, you’ll be telling your patients that yes, they are overweight. So it’ll be hard to curb your natural impulses when your girlfriend asks you if she’s fat. You’ll go into autopilot mode and tell her the truth, and then you’ll be nitpicking at her diet and telling her what’s nutritious and what’s not. No ice cream, no chocolate, and no bubble tea.

And yes, you effectively said she was fat.

5. Makeup Artist

Making up. Credit: Mario Badescu Skincare

Making up. Credit: Mario Badescu Skincare

You know how long ladies take to put on makeup and get ready to go out? Well, now you’ll be responsible for all that time spent, since you’ll be the one putting on makeup for her! It’ll be super stressful, since not only do you have to do the make up for her before going out, you’ll need to touch up for her on dates, and you will also have to drag a big makeup kit along with you. But how will you apply makeup for her in public without being mistaken as a gay man?

6. Gynaecologist

Looking really happy to be a gynaecologist. Credit: Thought Catalog

Looking really happy to be a gynaecologist. Credit: Thought Catalog

You will be seeing other women and getting intimate with them the whole day. That’s not going to fly well with any girlfriend, since she’ll perpetually be asking you whether they’re prettier or not (and other not so polite questions). Worse still, when you get married and settle down, there’ll be tremendous pressure when you need to decide whether you should be your wife’s gynaecologist.

But then, you’ll never run out of pregnancy test kits!

7. Mystery Shopper

Only in a stock photo will you find a man happily shopping. Credit: Business Week

Only in a stock photo will you find a man happily shopping. Credit: Business Week

Seriously, this job should be called “misery shopper.” Basically, you’re paid to be an anonymous customer, then after that you have to describe how miserable your experience was so that the shop will improve. So after a full day of shopping, you meet your girlfriend and then… she wants to shop some more.

Firstly, as guys, we don’t really shop all that much (since we do all our research beforehand, then just buy the thing). Secondly, shopping with girls is a nightmare for guys (er the outfits all look the same, really). Shopping all day long may be a ladies’ dream, but for men, it’s a nightmare.

8. Hitman

Sam Rockwell plays hitman Mr Right in Mr. Right. Credit: Golden Village Cinemas

Sam Rockwell plays hitman Mr Right in Mr. Right. Credit: Golden Village Cinemas

Killing is messy. Ask Wolverine. There’s so much blood, it’s unethical, and then you have to explain to her parents what you do for a living (“Har! Kill again? So pantang, no no no cannot come over for Chinese New Year!”). She’ll ask you to stop, you’ll say no, both of you will break up, then you know what they say about hell and fury and woman scorned.

And how exactly do you meet women when you’re a hitman? Kill someone, turn to a passerby and say “Hey, did I do a good job?”

Poster for Mr. Right. Credit: Golden Village Cinemas

Poster for Mr. Right. Credit: Golden Village Cinemas

Well, a hitman still manages to meet ladies in Mr. Right despite his terrible job! Sam Rockwell plays Mr Right, who meets Martha (Anna Kendrick) while on the job. Sparks fly between the two, but will their relationship be able to withstand Mr Right’s murderous occupation?

Watch Mr. Right to find out (and learn some tips on how to get the chicks too)!

Credits: Business Week, Nate Smith, Britannica, Healthcare Asia Daily, Mario Badescu Skincare, Thought Catalog, Yibada, Golden Village Cinemas