Darth Vader and Darth Sidious – even if you didn’t know who they were, their names already hint at the evil within. Darth Vader is literally an In-Vader and Darth Sidious is rather In-Sidious in how he ascends to power. They’re Sith Lords, the evil space wizards of the Star Wars franchise, capable of shooting lightning and strangling people just by thinking it. They’re opposed, of course, by the good space wizards known as the Jedi, who wield laser swords and somersault everywhere.

But they’re Sith Lords on a galactic scale. Even the most evil space wizard has to start somewhere, and start local. So what if there were Sith Lords in Singapore? What would our local Sith Lords be called? Most importantly, what would they do with their powers? You can’t go around throttling people without repercussions, so what else could you do with those Sith powers?

Here are six nascent Sith Lords that Singapore would produce, and the Force Powers they would wield.

1. Darth Kiasu

Was he secretly a Sith Lord? Credit: (buses[IN]gapore!) Facebook Page

Was he secretly a Sith Lord? Credit: (buses[IN]gapore!) Facebook Page

Our most Singaporean trait is being kiasu, and if a Singaporean Force-user turned evil, he’d most likely become Darth Kiasu. Now, the Force is the mystical power that the Sith Lords and Jedi Knights tap into in Star Wars. Since the Force can manipulate probabilities, Darth Kiasu would most likely use his Force powers to always be the first in queues. Even online queues for popular concerts or mobile devices. Imagine always being the first to get Coldplay tickets or the latest iPhone.

Force Queue? Nah, he’d call that power… Force QQ.

2. Darth Kiasee

Prevention is better than cure. Credit: I don't like to squeeze on the MRT Facebook Page

Prevention is better than cure. Credit: I don’t like to squeeze on the MRT Facebook Page

Now, it’s not rare to see hypochondriacs in Singapore who spritz sanitiser on everything and wear face masks in any place that’s remotely crowded. So if you had space magic, what would you do? You’d make sure everything was clean, all day, everyday. You’d be obsessive compulsive about it.

And since we’re Singaporean and we love acronyms, that Force power would be called… Force OCD.

3. Darth Sotong

Looking blur. Credit: Discovery Canada Facebook Page

Looking blur. Credit: Discovery Canada Facebook Page

You know how there’s always that one guy who lets everyone down and causes so much chaos, but doesn’t intend to? Sometimes he can be more lethal than the worst super villain. And if he had Force powers, the extent of his destruction would only be amplified, especially since he’s too blur to realise otherwise.

His Force power would sound like something out of Photoshop. It would be – Force Blur.

4. Darth Kaobeh

The most common warriors around. Credit: Johnathan Lo Photography Facebook Page

The most common warriors around. Credit: Johnathan Lo Photography Facebook Page

Now the Sith Lords boast mighty warriors in their midst, like Darth Vader. Singaporeans don’t fight very much, so our greatest warriors are keyboard warriors. Darth Kaobeh would be the greatest keyboard warrior of them all. He’d use his Sith powers to create anonymous accounts, all the more to troll various social media platforms. He’ll use his accounts to leave one-star reviews all over the Facebook Pages of restaurants, and comment on every single news article.

He’d be a one man click farm. He’d use – Force Farm.

5. Darth Bodoh

The worst kind of Sith Lord. Credit: Sociedade Jedi Facebook Page

The worst kind of Sith Lord. Credit: Sociedade Jedi Facebook Page

In case you think the forces of evil are overwhelmingly powerful, there’s a Light Side to all these Singaporean Sith Lords. He’d be Darth Bodoh – so dumb that he thinks he’s a Jedi Knight. He’d be thwarting the efforts of all the above-mentioned Sith Lords by being a false Sith Lord himself.

He’d use False Force.

6. Darth Pantang

If this crosses your path... Credit: Cat Welfare Society Facebook Page

If this crosses your path… Credit: Cat Welfare Society Facebook Page

And finally we’d have Darth Pantang, the most superstitious Sith Lord in Singapore. Remember how the Force can create luck? While Darth Kiasu would use it for one specific application, Darth Pantang would use the Force to always make sure that he’s lucky in everything. Whether it’s gambling at Marina Bay Sands or balloting for a new Build-To-Order Housing Board flat at a good level where the sun doesn’t shine directly into the living room, Darth Pantang would always be incredibly heng, thanks to the Force.

He’d use Force Heng.

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story. Credit: Golden Village Cinemas

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story. Credit: Golden Village Cinemas

Of course, none of these Force powers can compare to the feats that you see in Star Wars films, like Rogue One: A Star Wars Story. It tells the tale of how the Death Star plans were stolen, although since we’ve already seen Starkiller Base and the Death Star II, why would we be afraid of the Death Star? Everyone’s looking forward to Darth Vader’s appearance in this film, and most importantly, how will he gruesomely murderise people with his Sith powers?

Go Rogue.

Credits: (buses[IN]gapore!) Facebook Page, I don’t like to squeeze on the MRT Facebook Page, Discovery Canada Facebook Page, Johnathan Lo Photography Facebook Page, Sociedade Jedi, Cat Welfare Society Facebook Page, Golden Village Cinemas