If you’ve accidentally disturbed an ancient ruler’s grave, you’re more likely to fear your own mummy scolding you (“touch some more, touch some more, you want me to cane you is it?”) than The Mummy lurching out of the ground to come after you.

But in the new The Mummy film, the eponymous monster doesn’t quite lumber after you. In fact, she’s horrifyingly lithe and graceful, contrary to usual depictions of the undead. Nick (Tom Cruise) is going to have a hard time defeating her.

Or he could just fly to Singapore. The Mummy would be absolutely powerless here. Let’s go through each of her powers and see why even a pontianak would be more effective than her.

 

1. Summoning a plague of insects

Zika virus. Credit: CDC Facebook Page

Zika virus. Credit: CDC Facebook Page

Creepy crawlies tend to like the Mummy, and we are pretty sure she can summon a plague of insects to devastate our crops. Except that our crops here are grown under a protective netting, which means that those insects would have a hard time getting to the leafy greens. Plus, we’re pros in handling the Zika virus and almost every Singaporean knows how to do the 5-Step Mozzie Wipeout. The Mummy can send her plague of creepy crawlies upon us, and we’ll wipe them out in five minutes.

 

2. Using romance and entrapment

Only some dogs allowed here. Credit: Housing & Development Board Facebook Page

Will you buy a HDB flat with marry me? Credit: Housing & Development Board Facebook Page

So the Mummy can control her attackers (which is rumoured to be the reason why Nick looks mind-controlled in some of the trailers) by using good old-fashioned seduction – rather than the tried-and-tested way of saying “Nick, want to buy a HDB flat together?”

You know who’s going to recruit her immediately? SDN (Social Development Network, formerly SDU), that’s who. She’ll be more effective than mailing out an SDN magazine to all singles every month, and with the Mummy on their side, every Singaporean will be married, have two kids (or more, if you can afford), and be happily settled into their HDB mortgage for the next 20 years.

Suddenly, the Mummy’s plague of insects doesn’t sound so bad anymore.

 

3. Using her wrapping as whips/weapons

Not a very neat mummy. Credit: Garnet Valley Gymnastics Facebook Page

Not a very neat mummy. Credit: Garnet Valley Gymnastics Facebook Page

So the Mummy can unravel those cloth wrappings and use them as weapons, since nobody wants to be whipped by stinky, millennia-old rags. The problem is that we’re going to see those wrappings as toilet paper and use them as such.

Think about it – who hasn’t dressed up as the Mummy before by wrapping toilet paper around ourselves? Ask any kid what the Mummy uses to wrap up herself, and they’ll say “toilet paper” (we’ve tried, four out of five kids say this). They’ll immediately identify her wrappings as toilet paper, and clean themselves accordingly.

 

4. Creating heatwaves/droughts

Does the Mummy want to turn the whole world into her tomb? Credit: Pixabay

Does the Mummy want to turn the whole world into her tomb? Credit: Pixabay

You can already hear the collective snort of Singaporeans everywhere. What we consider air-con temperatures are thought of as heatwaves by other countries. 25 degrees Celsius is my default air-conditioner temperature (any higher and I can’t afford to switch it on), but it’s considered a mini-heatwave over in Britain.

We wouldn’t even notice her heatwaves, honestly.

 

5. Creating sandstorms

The Brendan Fraser The Mummy movies saw Imhotep raising sandstorms to sweep the land. It might be devastating for other countries, but this is Singapore. We all have an N95 mask at hand. The slightest whiff of the haze, and those masks are on. What’s a little sandstorm, really?

We’d also collect all that fallen sand and use it for land reclamation projects. Don’t waste, right?

 

6. Creating an eclipse

A solar eclipse. Credit: NASA 360 Facebook Page

A solar eclipse. Credit: NASA 360 Facebook Page

Maybe the Mummy might unleash that most epic of biblical plagues – a total eclipse of the Sun.

Singaporeans would rejoice. Have you seen our Sun from 11am to 4pm? If you have, you’re probably blind by now. It’s the brightest, hottest, most unbearable time of the day, and if you switched off the Sun for even a day, there’d be mass cheering. We could finally eat ice cream without it melting all over our hands.

The Mummy. Credit: Golden Village Cinemas

The Mummy. Credit: Golden Village Cinemas

Sadly, The Mummy doesn’t take place in Singapore, so she’s going to be a threat to Nick and the rest of the world! She awakens from her slumber and starts wreaking havoc on the world, all the way from the Middle East to London. Only Nick can stop her, and if he doesn’t, well…

The rest of the world will finally know how hot it is in Singapore.

 

Credits: CDC Facebook PageHousing & Development Board Facebook PageGarnet Valley Gymnastics Facebook Page, Pixabay, NASA 360 Facebook Page, Golden Village Cinemas