It’s great being King Kong right? You can do whatever you like. Eat whatever you like. Go wherever you like. Maybe there’s that slight downside that you are a gigantic ape the size of a building, so you can’t really find a place to sleep at night. King Kong does fine though. He has an entire island to himself, known as Skull Island.

Except that Skull Island is a pretty awful place to live in. It’s “a place that time forgot”, which is an excuse for saying that nature also forgot to take care of the place, resulting in some pretty disgusting monsters that make life difficult for King Kong. Here’s what King Kong has to deal with on a daily basis.

1. Psychovultures

Psychovultures and a Skullcrawler in "Kong: Skull Island". Credit: Warner Bros Pictures

Psychovultures circling, and a Skullcrawler letting a roar rip, in “Kong: Skull Island”. Credit: Warner Bros Pictures

Wingspan: 6-9 ft.

The name already conjures up an image of an insane bird that goes berserk hunting down its victims. Psychovultures are fast, which is why it’s difficult to get a clearly shot picture of it. But let me describe it’s most fearsome feature to you.

It has a spear for a beak.

And that’s how it hunts. It stabs creatures with its beak, then flies up, flips it around and swallows it. It’s essentially a spear with wings. How do you protect yourself against something like that?

2. Skullcrawlers

Height: 12-95 feet
Weight: 40-100 Tons
Behaviour: Destroyer / Hypervore

Giant lizards with a skull for a face, the Skullcrawlers are King Kong’s foes in Kong: Skull Island. The smaller ones are about half the size of King Kong – no sweat for a giant ape right? All he really has to do is step on them to ensure that they don’t run amok.

Unfortunately, there’s a giant, bigger Skullcrawler lurking on the island, one that’s the same size as King Kong itself. It’s where all the Skullcrawlers come from. Can you imagine a 100-ton, skull-headed lizard birthing even more Skullcrawlers?

It’s a skin-crawling thought indeed.

3. Mother Longlegs

Mother Longlegs moves above the jungle in "Kong: Skull Island". Credit: Warner Bros Pictures

Mother Longlegs moves above the jungle in “Kong: Skull Island”. Credit: Warner Bros Pictures

Height: 18-23 feet-tall

It’s a ghastly spider that hides in the bamboo forest of Skull Island. In fact, it’s even taller than the forest itself! So how exactly does it stalk its prey?

By stepping on them and stabbing them with its legs. Its legs look exactly like bamboo plants. That’s how big it is, and that’s how creepy it is. A spider with bamboo plants for legs. Only on Skull Island.

Oh, and it can also spew its silk at you too. Nature certainly does not know the meaning of overkill.

4. Mire Squid

A Mire Squid attacks in "Kong: Skull Island". Credit: Wikizilla

A Mire Squid attacks in “Kong: Skull Island”. Credit: Wikizilla

Length: 90 feet

As with every other monstrous thing on the island, the Mire Squid is a massive squid that’s the size of King Kong. Fortunately for us, it’s confined to the lakes of Skull Island (yes, those are pretty big lakes). Unfortunately for King Kong, it means that every time he’s thirsty, he has to contend with a possible attack from a Mire Squid.

You have to wonder, though – how does the Mire Squid go undetected around the island? What does it eat to be that size? Would it taste good with sambal?

5. Spore Mantis

A Spore Mantis in "Kong: Skull Island". Credit: Wikizilla

A Spore Mantis in “Kong: Skull Island”. Credit: Wikizilla

Height: Up to 50 feet

Just so you know, it’s not safe to even sit on a log on Skull Island. That’s because that log might turn out to be a Spore Mantis, a mantis that uses old tree logs as a shell. It’s sort of like a hermit crab, if hermit crabs were 50 feet tall and ten times the size of a human.

Luckily, it’s herbivorous. No, I’m kidding – of course it is carnivorous. It’s got giant spiked teeth and jaws that could crush a tree log. Why would it even dream of being herbivorous?

6. Sker Buffalo

A Sker Buffalo emerges in "Kong: Skull Island". Credit: Warner Bros Pictures

A Sker Buffalo emerges in “Kong: Skull Island”. Credit: Warner Bros Pictures

Length: 44 ft.-tall
Horns: 64 ft.-long (tip to tip)
Weight: 22 tons

Finally, we have the Sker Buffalo, which is a gentle giant. It looks like flotsam floating on a lake, but it is actually a massive creature that lazes around in lakes. Fortunately, it’s a tame creature that prefers to be left alone, and it won’t viciously attack people who come close to it. It’s probably herbivorous, just like the Cape Buffalo, which it resembles.

Which is why it serves as a food source for many of the other terrors on the island. That’s a lot of meat.

Kong: Skull Island. Credit: Golden Village Cinemas

Kong: Skull Island. Credit: Golden Village Cinemas

If you actually want to see these creatures in action (are you crazy?), catch Kong: Skull Island! The film sees Loki, Nick Fury, and Captain Marvel Tom Hiddleston, Samuel L Jackon, and Brie Larson play characters that head to a deserted island to investigate rumours of King Kong. They find the giant ape, but they also find creatures that defy the imagination hunting them down.

I’m not monkeying around here. But if you don’t believe me, catch Kong: Skull Island to prove me wrong (then write a wonderful accolade about how I was right all along) in cinemas this week!

Also, for Dungeons & Dragons nerds out there: Skull Island was the inspiration for the legendary Isle of Dread. So DMs, you know what to do if you need inspiration for your next adventure!