To men, understanding women’s fashion is one of those unfathomable mysteries of the universe, because as far as we can tell, fashion involves a lot of effort and often, a lot of pain. Unless you are in the fashion industry, as a guy you’re probably constantly befuddled by baggy dresses and anti-ageing creams (shouldn’t there be a definitive scientific study on their efficacy by now?).

But if there’s one thing I’ve learnt, it’s to always say, “Yes, you look gorgeous!” even if you can’t tell the difference, notwithstanding angry red rashes.

So here are six perplexing female fashion trends that we will never understand.

1. Black and white stripes

Zebra shirt. Credit: Nawod

Zebra shirt. Credit: Nawod

When guys wear white and black, it’s usually to the tune of “white shirt, black pants” and it’s usually for a wedding (sometimes you’ll even get a black blazer too). When guys wear stripes, if ever, they are usually in bold primary colors. And never shall the twain meet.

Which is why the female species’ fascination with black and white stripes is so bewildering! Wearing black and white stripes is for escaped convicts, especially when you’ve been weaned on a childhood of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Even if it didn’t, the zebra similarities can’t be denied. If a lady in black and white stripes fell down at the pedestrian crossing, we’d never be able to rescue her because she’d be completely camouflaged.

And yes, horizontal stripes does make you look fatter, even if we don’t dare to say it out loud.

2. Duck face

Quack. Credit: Power 107.5

Quack. Credit: Power 107.5

Bonus points if the selfie-taker opens her eyes as wide as possible and looks upward to hide the double chin. It’s such an iconic look for “beauty bloggers” that you’d seriously doubt the credibility of one if she doesn’t have a single duck face selfie on her blog. But the question is, why do women want to look like ducks? And doesn’t it cause wrinkles, to scrunch up the face like that?

I could be wrong, they could be trying to seduce Donald Duck.

3. Clutches

Silver brick. Credit: LS Bags

Silver brick. Credit: LS Bags

I really don’t understand why clutches exist. They’re the smaller, strapless cousins of the handbag, but have much less utility. Wielding a clutch means one of two things – either one hand has to be sacrificed to hold the clutch, or the clutch smells like armpit (since that’s where it’ll be clamped most of the time).

It kind of looks like a leather brick, and… well, wouldn’t a real bag look better? Or even a backpack? It’ll hold more too.

4. Wide belts

Royal Rumble winner. Credit: Popsugar

Royal Rumble winner. Credit: Popsugar

The only time you’ll see a guy wearing a wide belt is if they’re wearing nothing but wrestling tights and they’ve just won the Royal Rumble. Wide belts defy physics – how do women sit down with that thing on? Otherwise, wide belts are just unwieldy corsets, and if you want guys to think you need a corset… (I just Googled it and found out that they really are called corset belts! Why?)

But if a female wrestler wears it, that’s OK!

5. Harem pants

A harem of harem pants. Credit: Harem Pants

A harem of harem pants. Credit: Harem Pants

I know they have some sort of Arabian vibe going on, but the truth is that harem pants look shapeless, and not in a good way. They’re even less flattering than pajamas, because they look flabby and misshapen. To be clear – the legs look flabby and mishappen.

And the name – harem pants. Why would ladies want to be part of a harem?

6. Green makeup

I don't even... Credit: Bustle

I can’t even… Credit: Bustle

Red lipstick looks sensuous. Blue eye shadow looks exotic. Yellow foundation is usually beige, and that’s a skin tone. But green anything looks strange. We turn green only when we’re sick, otherwise it’s not a natural color to be anywhere on the face. So it’s just flat out weird to see green makeup.

The Wicked Witch of the West or a Ninja Turtle isn’t a very good look for ladies, as much as I love the Ninja Turtles.

Zoolander poster. Credit: Golden Village Cinemas

Zoolander poster. Credit: Golden Village Cinemas

But I distinctly recall some models wearing green make-up on Zoolander 2, so maybe they’ve got some sort of secret to avoid looking like Ninja Turtles! Judge for yourself by catching the fashion comedy Zoolander 2!

I’ll have been assassinated by the ladies by then.

Credits: Nawod, Power 10.5, LS Bags, Popsugar, Harem Pants, Bustle, Golden Village Cinemas