The premise of the Transporter series of films is simple – the Transporter will transport anything, no questions asked, for a fee. But if you stop to think about it, can the Transporter really transport anything? There are obvious things he can’t transport, like the Moon, for instance, or maybe a whale.

Even discounting oversized items like those, there are plenty of things that the Transporter wouldn’t be able to transport in Singapore. A local might be able to do it, but these five things are definitely beyond the Transporter’s abilities.

1) Durians

Durians. Credit: Yahoo

Durians. Credit: Yahoo

Mao Shan Wang, D24 or otherwise, it’s unlikely that the Transporter can transport durians in Singapore. It’s the rare ang moh that can tolerate the smell of the fruit. And even if he could tolerate it, the rich smell will give away his cargo instantly. It’ll be tough to transport those durians without being detected.

The Transporter better be driving a car though, because if he’s taking the MRT, he’ll be stopped within seconds of going through the gantry.

2) Aunties

Aunties. Credit: Wikipedia

Aunties. Credit: Wikipedia

Singapore aunties are fearless, feisty and loud. There’s no situation an auntie can’t get her way in, unless she’s facing another auntie. And with the boyish young looks of Frank Martin in The Transporter Refueled, he’ll never be able to out talk an auntie. She’ll be screaming “Boy ah! Better let auntie go or I call police ah! Give me your hand phone now!”

Sorry Frank, but nobody defies an auntie in Singapore.

3) A couple in the throes of PDA

Someone doesn't want to be kissed. Credit: Two Views

Someone doesn’t want to be kissed. Credit: Two Views

Ah, love. The emotion that makes two people infatuated with each other – and completely insufferable for everyone else. With our crowded shopping malls and lack of places for solitude, Singaporeans have gotten used to their public display of affection (PDA) everywhere, especially on escalators (since it’s so lomantic to be kissing while travelling halfway in the air). If the Transporter gets them, that’s it – they’ll be alone, in a car (if the Transporter can afford the COE), smooching loudly and proclaiming sweet nothings to each other as the Transporter races to offload his package as soon as possible.

4) Truffle fries

Truffle Fries. Credit: El Toro Burger

Truffle Fries. Credit: El Toro Burger

If there’s one irresistible food that’s taken Singapore by storm, it’s truffle fries. The distinct, savoury aroma paired with twice fried shoestring fries to bring out a crisp outside and soft inside is a must have in any cafe. If we can’t even pass up a plate of truffle fries, what hope does the Transporter have? He’ll be scarfing down those fries as he transports it to his location. At best, he’ll have half of the fries left.

But they’ll be cold by then. What’s the point of cold truffle fries?

5) The Merlion

The Merlion. Credit: Escape with Style

The Merlion. Credit: Escape with Style

The bane of any night out, nobody ever wants to send the Merlion home because he’ll be Merlioning all over the car, taxi, or motorcycle used to send him back.

Oh, wait, we’re talking about Singapore’s mascot here. Well, the Merlion’s not going to be easy to transport, namely because it’s got the strength of a lion and the slipperiness of a mermaid. The Transporter will have his hands full trying to overcome its ferocious jaws, and even if he does, he’s got to figure out a way to hold on to its slippery scales. Add the Merlion’s prodigious spitting ability, and it’ll be impossible to bring the Merlion anywhere. But the most important reason why he’ll never be able to transport a live Merlion is simple.

It’s a fictitious animal.

Frank Martin (Ed Skrein) i The Transporter Refueled. Credit: Golden Village Pictures

Frank Martin (Ed Skrein) i The Transporter Refueled. Credit: Golden Village Pictures

So what does the Transporter actually transport in The Transporter Refueled? For the answer, you’ve got to catch the movie, opening in cinemas on Sep 10.

Credits: Yahoo, Wikipedia, Two Views, El Toro Burger, Escape with Style, Golden Village Pictures