Anyone who’s watched Death Note has fantasised about having a Death Note, or rather, using one. Writing someone’s name in a Death Note (a black supernatural notebook) means that they will die, no questions asked. You even get to specify how they will die.

Don’t bluff, I know you have a list of names you want to write on the Death Note. But even if Ryuk did drop a Death Note on your lap, it’s not going to work. There are a gazillion rules associated with the Death Note and how it works. And this is Singapore – you’d be hard pressed to use a Death Note and not get caught. That Death Note is going to be a death sentence for you. Here’s why.

1. People in Singapore have way too many names

What's in a name? Credit: Baey Yam Keng's Facebook Page

What’s in a name? Credit: Baey Yam Keng’s Facebook Page

If you’re a Chinese Christian, chances are your name will be something like “Alvin Gerald Fang Dai Zhong”, or, if we were to read it off your passport, it would be “Fang Dai Zhong, Alvin Gerald”. Which name do you write? If you write the full name, there’s a chance of misspelling it. And misspelling someone’s name in a Death Note comes with consequences – do it too many times, and you die. (No, really, if you accidentally misspell someone’s name four times in a Death Note, you’ll die).

2. Who carries a pen and notebook nowadays?

Ryuk, a Shinigami in Death Note: Light Up the New World. Isn't he cute? Credit: Golden Village Cinemas

Ryuk, a Shinigami in Death Note: Light Up the New World. Isn’t he cute? Credit: Golden Village Cinemas

Have you seen a Death Note? More importantly, have you seen the size of that thing? It’s a distinctive black A4-sized jotter book. Firstly, who carries notebooks around these days? Secondly, a jotter book? Really? Someone’s definitely going to notice what you’re doing. And once they see lists of dead people in your book, the jig is up. It’s 2016 and everyone knows about the powers of a Death Note, so they’ll make the connection once they see the names written down.

3. Singapore’s too crowded for the Shinigami to hang around

A common sight at MRT stations. Credit: Channel Newsasia's Facebook Page

A common sight at MRT stations. Credit: Channel Newsasia’s Facebook Page

So one thing we’ve noticed about Death Note users is that they tend to talk to their Shinigamis in public. A Shinigami is the original owner of the Death Note, and frequently takes the shape of a giant monstrous creature that is invisible to everyone except the human owner of the Death Note. It’s already weird seeing people do that from a distance. Imagine a Death Note user talking to a Shinigami in a packed MRT train.

Firstly, where is that Shinigami going to hover? Secondly, many, many people are going to notice. Someone’s going to record it, and then it’ll go up on social media, and then you’re going to be known as the person who talks to himself or herself on trains, and sooner or later someone will discover that you have a Death Note.

4. The Singapore Police Force is very efficient

Our police. Credit: Singapore Police Force's Facebook Page

Our police. Credit: Singapore Police Force’s Facebook Page

That’s a good thing, by the way! But if too many deaths start happening, then the SPF is going to look into matters. And once they start investigating, it’s really only a matter of time before you get caught.

Do you really want to be on the next episode of Crimewatch? Didn’t think so.

5. Fuji apples are expensive here

There's nothing like a freshly-picked, crispy and sweet Japanese Fuji apple. (Credit: HappyLiveArte.com)

There’s nothing like a freshly-picked, crispy and sweet Japanese Fuji apple. (Credit: HappyLiveArte.com)

More expensive than in Japan, that’s for sure. But why’s that important?

Remember the Shinigami, the giant invisible-to-everyone-else flying monster that hangs around Death Notes? They eat apples. Lots of apples. Since they’re from Japan, it stands to reason that they’d like to eat Japanese Fuji apples. (Not the cheaper variety from China.) You might be assassinating people left and right, but that doesn’t guarantee you’ll be earning money to buy Fuji apples.

A hungry Shingami is an angry Shinigami. That’s not a good idea.

Death Note: Light Up the New World. Credit: Golden Village Cinemas

Death Note: Light Up the New World. Credit: Golden Village Cinemas

If you think one Death Note is a bad idea, try six! That’s right, six of them drop to Earth in Death Note: Light Up the New World. L and Light’s heirs have to race to recover the Death Notes while contending with a mysterious new enemy who’s also after the powerful notebooks. Who will claim all six? Who will die? What about Ryuk’s apples?

And most importantly, did the producers of Death Note: Light Up the New World foretell the future of our post-election New World?

 

Credits: Baey Yam Keng’s Facebook Page, Channel NewsAsia’s Facebook Page, Singapore Police Force’s Facebook Page, NTUC Fairprice’s Facebook Page, Golden Village Cinemas