Ever notice how there aren’t many UFO sightings on Stomp? There’s a plethora of other weird pictures there, but aliens don’t ever seem to get featured on it. Maybe it’s because Singapore is just too difficult to invade, what with our army of acronyms and other idiosyncrasies. So we went ahead and conducted an extremely rigorous scientific study with the most brilliant scientists across our island, and discovered five highly probably causes of our dearth of alien invasions.

1. ERP is expensive

The most painful beep a driver can hear. Credit: Ministry of Transport

The most painful beep a driver can hear. Credit: Ministry of Transport

If you’ve come from a faraway land, you’re likely to have travelled in a vehicle. And if you’re invading a country, you’re probably going to attack their financial centre first, to cripple their economy. So our hypothetical aliens would need to head straight to the CBD to take over all the financial centres.

But what they won’t count on is our highly sophisticated defense network of ERP gantries. Instead of draining blood, life force, qi or anything vital to biological creatures, our ERP drains something worse – money. The aliens will be sent packing once they find out how expensive it is to invade the CBD. What’s that you say? They don’t have vehicle transponders, so they won’t have to pay ERP?

Then they’ll be fined, and on top of the ERP and hefty fine, they’ll have to pay “administrative charges” as well. The war effort will cost a lot more than the aliens can afford!

2. Too many languages

One country, a bazillion languages. Credit: IPS Commons

One country, a bazillion languages. Credit: IPS Commons

So let’s say the aliens want to intimidate us into submission instead of attacking us head on. They’ll hijack all our transmission networks and then broadcast a threatening message to islandwide, and that’s when they’ll hit the next road block.

What language do they broadcast in? English? Mandarin? Malay? Tamil? Hindi? Hokkien? Teochew? Cantonese? Singlish? We’ve got so many languages to cover that any message will have to be repeated at least four more times to cover all their bases. By the time they’re done, everyone will have tuned out and there’ll be nobody left to kneel before our tired aliens.

3. Nobody will watch their threatening broadcasts

Unwanted TV sets. Credit: Weather Stations

Unwanted TV sets. Credit: Weather Stations

Language barriers aren’t the only problem for the aliens. With Netflix, torrents and streaming sites, maybe only five people watch television in Singapore these days. It’s a very inefficient way to get the message across. They could try calling up everyone person to relay their message of world domination, but then they’ll run afoul of PDPA restrictions too…

4. Stomped and Facebooked before you know it

Just a few presses and the world can see your alien photos. Credit: Travel Daily News

Just a few presses and the world can see your alien photos. Credit: Travel Daily News

But maybe our flummoxed aliens decide to be stealthy and ambush us. They’ll need to land their spaceships somewhere, and the minute they do, some busybody with a phone camera will snap a photo and upload it on social media. Before you can say alien, the photo will go viral and their invasion plans will be known! Seriously, social media is a much better tool for national alerts than our air raid sirens are.

Then all NSmen will be activated for duty and there’ll be panicked scurrying as all guys pull their number 4s from the store room.

5. So many parking cameras

Beware the hidden cameras. Credit: The Straits Times

Beware the hidden cameras. Credit: The Straits Times

OK so after all that, our poor aliens manage to land without being sighted by any humans (gosh, these hypothetical aliens are pretty persistent!). Remember how LTA installed a whole bunch of CCTVs islandwide to deter illegal parking? There’s no way the aliens can land without getting parking fines. And worse, they’ll also be fined for not having license plates, not having COE for their spaceships, not having a proper driving license (spaceships are probably considered Class 10X or something) and not paying road tax. Their vehicle insurance isn’t going to cover the cost of war…

Poster for The 5th Wave. Credit: Golden Village Cinemas

Poster for The 5th Wave. Credit: Golden Village Cinemas

But somehow, the aliens of The 5th Wave managed to overcome all this, and have left Earth on the brink of ruin. How did these aliens manage to overcome all those parking fines and decimate not just Singapore, but most of the planet too? Catch The 5th Wave when it lands tomorrow to find out!

Credit: Ministry of TransportIPS Commons, Weather Stations, Travel Daily News, The Straits Times, Golden Village Cinemas