Aliens always have superior technology in movies (why else would they be a threat to all mankind?), so it’s always up to the plucky human characters to save us from their doomsday machines with only their wits. Extraterrestrials may be stronger, faster, and tougher than humans, but we’d win because we’re smarter. It’s the exact same story of how we triumphed over animals, who are also stronger, faster, and tougher than humans – that’s why we enjoy alien invasion movies so much. It’s a retelling of how the human race achieved dominance over this planet.

But what if the aliens were the smarter ones, for once? What if they didn’t come in guns blazing, but stealthily worked their way into the upper echelons of society, using insidious, non-violent ways to enslave the human race? It’d be the smarter tactic since you’d be preserving life and minimising collateral destruction (heck, even some countries sow instability in others for the same reason), and us humans would never even know it.

So here are five non-violent ways that aliens could take over Singapore (because we’re small but well connected). Once Singapore falls, the rest of the world will follow…

1. Free Wi-Fi

Wi-fi is our lifeblood. Credit: RRR cars

Wi-Fi is our lifeblood. Credit: RRR cars

Hands up if you’ve ever given up your personal details (like your Facebook log-in, mobile number, or email address) in exchange for free Wi-Fi at malls. Even worse – have you logged into an unsecured network just because there’s no password to use their Wi-Fi? We’d do anything for free Wi-Fi, even if it means endangering our personal data (somebody’s monitoring all that information going through your mobile phone if they own the network), and this would be a great way for aliens to begin Phase 1 of their invasion plan.

Get our personal details, learn what makes the human race tick, and all you’d need is free Wi-Fi (which you can get by subscribing for an unlimited data plan, which will be a reality in the near future).

2. Remove all ERP gantries

The most painful beep a driver can hear. Credit: Ministry of Transport

The most painful beep a driver can hear. Credit: Ministry of Transport

We silently curse every time we pass through an ERP gantry because we’re already paying the taxi driver or road tax (or both)! Why do we need to pay to use the roads again? It’s like death by a thousand pinpricks – the death of our bank accounts that is. Ultimately, we’re cheap (as free Wi-Fi has demonstrated), so all the aliens need to do is take advantage of this and stealthily disable all the ERP gantries. No, you don’t need to do anything illegal – just hire SMRT to build those gantries! They might even break down for hours at a stretch, and we’d be welcoming the aliens in with open arms!

Better yet, install reverse ERP gantries that give you money every time you pass under them. But if you do that, better hire SBST instead.

3. Reliable alternate transport system

Spiffy looking train! Credit: Futuristic News

Spiffy looking train! Credit: Futuristic News

The problem with people who need to commute to the opposite end of the island everyday is that they’re heavily dependent on one major transport provider to get them to work and back home. Unfortunately, we’ve grown so used to train breakdowns that it doesn’t even warrant a mention in the news these days. So use that sophisticated alien technology and build a system of teleporters instead! It’ll take up less space (very important in our land scarce country), get us where we want faster, and you can always build in redundancies for any mishaps. We’d gladly give up our EZ-Link cards (and souls) for that!

Even better, make it free. The aliens will have us under their thumbs in no time.

4. Chain of Korean buffet restaurants

Aren't you hungry already? Credit: Look See Eat

Aren’t you hungry already? Credit: Look See Eat

While Koreans might not be great at making face masks (yeah they’re cheap but they’re so wet), they’ve been incredibly effective in imposing their cuisine on the rest of the world. Just put the word “Korean” on a restaurant and watch the hordes swarm in. So what the aliens should do is to combine Korean food with our love for eating, and start a chain of Korean buffet restaurants (even better if it’s a Korean BBQ buffet)! Singaporeans throngs will come, all the food bloggers will rave, and that secret alien mind-controlling additive in the food will have us brainwashed in less than a week.

To speed things up, have an “opening discount.” Yep, cheap and/or free wins again!

5. Start a “social Like gate” on a bimbotic blog with horribly exaggerated headlines 

This is so annoying. Credit: Social Experiment

This is so annoying. Credit: Social Experiment

OK, so all the tactics so far have appealed to our love of good deals. Here’s another idea – appeal to our kaypohness instead. Start a blog and end every headline with “that will make you scream for more” or “that will change your life” (the articles don’t have to be very good, just pay some shmuck $10 to write each one can already), but install an electronic barrier that forces you to Like the blog’s Page before you can read it. Our natural busybody traits will ensure that we’ll click Like just to read that crappy article, and then the aliens will be on our Facebook feeds already. From there, they’ll get into our heads and take over our minds with their drivel!

Just make sure Facebook doesn’t catch you doing that – it’s against their rules to force readers to Like your Page.

Independence Day: Resurgence. Credit: Golden Village Cinemas

Independence Day: Resurgence. Credit: Golden Village Cinemas

We’ve talked about non-violent ways – but what about violent ways to take over our planet? That’s what you’ll see in Independence Day: Resurgence, where the aliens from Independence Day decide to take another crack at us. The last time we won by hacking their computer systems, but they’ll have installed better anti-virus software this time!

So how will we prevail, especially since Will Smith isn’t back to help us fight those aliens? It’ll be up to Liam Hemsworth and Jeff Goldblum to pick up the slack! Catch how they defeat the aliens this time in Independence Day: Resurgence!

Question is, will the aliens be stupid enough to try a third time in 2036?

 

Credits: RRR cars, Ministry of Transport, Futuristic News, Look See Eat, Social Experiment,