You might think that Trump’s plan to build a wall to block off Mexico is a little… unconventional, but hundreds of years ago, China did the same thing to protect itself against a country that also starts with M – Mongolia. The Great Wall of China was built as a deterrent against Mongolian invaders, because electric fences and aeroplanes didn’t exist then. Horseback riders were the greatest threat to the northern reaches of China, so it was decided that a wall would serve as their defence.

It was surprisingly effective, since they were facing horses and not pegasi. But fast forward to the modern day, and the Great Wall has become more of a tourist attraction than a real effort at protecting China from Mongolia. And other, more effective methods have sprung up to serve as barriers that no-one in their right mind would penetrate.

What barriers, you say? Here are the best forms of defence in the contemporary world.

1. Zika hotspots

Zika virus. Credit: CDC Facebook Page

Noms. Credit: CDC Facebook Page

Declare any zone to be a Zika hotspot and watch the crowds there plummet. Back when the area near Bedok 85 Market was declared a Zika hotspot, you could actually order bak chor mee and get it within 20 minutes (it can take up to 40 minutes on crowded nights). That is, if you were OK with endangering your life for good minced pork noodles.

A row of Zika hotspots would be a more effective deterrent than any wall, assuming good bak chor mee didn’t lie on the other side.

2. No Internet zone

The lifeblood of the modern generation. Credit: Pixabay

The lifeblood of the modern generation. Credit: Pixabay

Can you imagine an area with no WiFi and no mobile signal connection? Perhaps, but if you lived in such an area, you would never have been able to read a funny article that asked you to imagine such an area. The Internet is an essential part of our lives, exceeding our need for safety and sleep at times. How would you be able to navigate your way into a region without Internet access if you didn’t have Google Maps? More importantly, how would you escape?

It would be a digital Bermuda triangle that no soldier would dare enter.

3. No Pokemon spawning nests

Gotta catch 'em all! Credit: Pokémon Memes Facebook Page

Gotta catch ’em all! Credit: Pokémon Memes Facebook Page

Pokemon Go might have waned in popularity, but you can still find countless people analysing the spawning patterns of Pokemon and making their dinner plans based on where they can catch Pokemon. With the imminent release of a new set of Pokemon to catch in Pokemon Go, you can be sure that spawning nests will be an important factor in where people go. Hinder their progress by creating a dead zone of no nests or Pokestops and you’ll have driven all these people away.

The horror!

4. No camera zone

Taking photos is almost like a reflex action now. Credit: Pixabay

Taking photos is almost like a reflex action now. Credit: Pixabay

Even men take selfies these days, because if nobody knows you were there, were you really there? Besides, a camera is your best chance to become famous by posting a photo on Stomp. Unless forced to on the pain of death or conscripted by your government, nobody would enter a no camera zone of their own free will. It would be like you never existed.

And this zone would be like a wall that never existed.

5. No toilets

The Great Wall of Cubicles. Credit: Pixabay

The Great Wall of Cubicles. Credit: Pixabay

This is a basic human function, and a no toilet zone would perhaps be the greatest wall of all. Few would want to risk trekking through an area where no pee or poop may emerge – but once someone does it out in the open, everyone will start doing it, making it a veritable biohazard zone.

That would make for a good barrier too, come to think of it.

The Great Wall. Credit: Golden Village Cinemas

The Great Wall. Credit: Golden Village Cinemas

The Great Wall is not only the first English film that Zhang Yimou has ever directed, it’s also the largest film ever to be produced in China – just like the titular wall in the title! But they don’t face Mongolians in this film.

They face a far more sinister threat, one that will put The Great Wall of China to the ultimate test!


Credit: CDC Facebook Page, PixabayPokémon Memes Facebook Page, Pixabay, Pixabay, Golden Village Cinemas