Ted 2 opens in Singapore today! The story of Johnny (Mark Wahlberg) and his foul-mouthed soft toy buddy Ted (Seth McFarlane) continues, as Ted tries to have a kid with his wife – with help from Johnny, of course.

So we can all look forward to more profanity, sexual innuendo and just sheer grossness.

Here’s 10 of Ted’s most R-rated gags, from both movies.

1. Reaching milestones

Ted, John and his girlfriend Lori (Mila Kunis) are all out to dinner, when she mentions that her company is celebrating its 20th anniversary. So Ted just has to say it: “Company’s turning 20. So you can bang it, but you can’t get it drunk.”

2. The job interview

Handsome on the outside, dirty on the inside. Credit: www.hdwallpapersimages.com

Handsome on the outside, dirty on the inside. Credit: www.hdwallpapersimages.com

Ted gets all suited up for a job interview. And when asked if he has what it takes for the role, he proceeds to drop this zinger: “I’ll tell you what I got: Your wife’s p**** on my breath.”

3. The Thunder Song

Thunder isn't scary when you have a Thunder Buddy. Credit: michaelpiggott.files.wordpress.com

Thunder isn’t scary when you have a Thunder Buddy. Credit: michaelpiggott.files.wordpress.com

What do you do when a storm comes and you get scared? You grab your thunder buddy and sing the thunder song, of course.

“When you hear the sound of thunder, don’t you get too scared.

Just grab your thunder buddy, and say these magic words:

F*** you, Thunder. You can suck my dick.

You can’t get me, Thunder, because you’re just God’s farts. Pfffz.”

4. Ted’s quartet

Relax, Lori. Credit: www.pipocagigante.com.br

Relax, Lori. Credit: www.pipocagigante.com.br

Lori comes home to find Ted sprawled on the couch with four, shall we say, ladies of the night.

And when she demands to know what’s going on, he casually responds: “Where are my manners? This is Angelique, Heavenly, Shireen and Sauvignon Blanc.”

He then concludes with this awesome line: “Somewhere out there are four terrible fathers I wish I could thank for this great night.”

5. Close encounter in the cloakroom

Tami-Lynn has Ted's heart, even though he doesn't have a penis. Credit: Universal

Tami-Lynn has Ted’s heart, even though he doesn’t have a penis. Credit: Universal

This is one gag where the dialogue really speaks for itself:

“Me and Nora had awkward, fuzzy sex in the cloakroom.”

“Actually, you weren’t so bad for a guy with no penis.”

“You know, I have written so many angry letters to Hasbro about that.”

6. Snatch

Amanda Seyfried gets acquainted with Ted and Johnny in Ted 2. Credit: Universal

Amanda Seyfried gets acquainted with Ted and Johnny in Ted 2. Credit: Universal

Johnny and Ted are on a double date with Lori and Ted’s new, well, white trash girlfriend Tami-Lynn (Jessica Barth). Lori innocently asks how Lori managed to “snatch” Ted up.

That’s the cue for an almighty tantrum of epic proportions: “Did you just call me a whore? You just worry about your own snatch, how about that, honey. You know what, bitch? I gave birth once. I can kick your ass.”

7. Tom Brady’s surprise

No need to tell you how the attempted sperm theft went down. Credit: Universal

No need to tell you how the attempted sperm theft went down. Credit: Universal

Ted and Johnny are on a mission to harvest football star Tom Brady’s, well, sperm. Without his knowledge or permission.

“Now let’s give him a hand job into this red Solo cup,” Ted tells Johnny as a pep talk.

8. It’s ok to jerk off at the Red Lobster

After they fail to obtain Tom Brady’s sperm sample, John offers his own. They are at the Boston Fertility Group, waiting in the corridor for John’s turn when Ted realises that John is masturbating right there.

Ted: What is that? What are you doing?

John: Getting ready, dude.

Ted: You got a hand on your dick. What are you doing?

John: I’m trying to get a half-hutch, so when I get in there I can just bust it out.

Ted: Shit, now, here? You’re in public jerking off? Where do you think you are – a Red Lobster?

Ted doesn’t think it’s okay for John touch himself in the corridor of a fertility clinic, but sees no fault in doing that at a seafood restaurant.

9. Office romance

Ted’s hapless boss hauls him up after he is caught having sex with Tami-Lynn in the backroom. The exchange that follows literally is one for the ages:

“You had sexual intercourse with a co-worker on top of the produce that we sell to the public.”

“I f***ed her with a parsnip last week. And I sold the parsnip to a family with four small children.”

“That took guts. We need guts. You’re promoted.”

10. Johnny’s laptop

Even Ted can't handle the porn on Johnny's laptop. Credit: www.flickeringmyth.com

Even Ted can’t handle the porn on Johnny’s laptop. Credit: www.flickeringmyth.com

Ted borrows John’s laptop and discovers a whole stash of porn.

Ted: What the f***!!

John: What’s going on?

Ted: There’s so much porn!

John: I’ve been meaning to clear some of that out!

Ted: Look at some of the organisation here! Clockwise rim job, counter-clockwise rim job…

John: Sometimes you like to see a tongue go the other way!

Ted (in horror): Chicks with dicks? 

John (quavering): Oh my God, oh my God, I have a disease, I need help!

Ted (sternly): There are no chicks with dicks Johnny, only guys with tits!

Of course, these gags are best enjoyed when performed by Ted himself. Catch Ted 2 in theatres now.

Source: Hollywood Reporter, Quotesquotations.comRanker